The big day -- mastectomy day. Not much time has gone by, but a lot of emotions have. Sometimes it was just a song that set me off, or a thought about what might be in the future. Ups and downs, but we had made our decision, and now was a time for preparation. This included deciding things such as 1) Do we do an implant now? (this was many years before the implant controversy but Jackie had her concerns even then) -- Jackie said no, and 2) How about reconstructive surgery at the same time? -- a mastectomy is major surgery, and reconstructive surgery lasts even longer; why take a chance -- after all, there's always later.

Nobody ever gets to do everything they want to do, you never get to say everything you want to say, and there is never enough time. But that's O.K., whether you beat cancer or not there will always be regrets -- that's because of the way your mind works. Your mind extrapolates into the future and your imagination couples with your memories into what might be. No matter what time death comes, there will always be some unfulfilled ideas that you will long for and regret.

It was a busy day. I dropped Jackie off at the hospital at 7:30 to get prepped for a 9:00 surgery. After they took her on back, I had to leave to go to Lauren's school because it was Dad's Coffee, and we had decided that we shouldn't disappoint Lauren by having me miss it. After the coffee I rushed back to the hospital hoping I hadn't missed anything.

Well, the surgery was successful. Although it was confirmed in a very roundabout way, we were told that the original biopsy had not removed all of the tumor.

This was about as close as we ever came to hearing one doctor say anything bad about another doctor. The fact is, according to Rule #2, not getting all of the tumor makes it mad. It opens it up and lets the cancer cells metastasize. That's bad. Cancer cells are NOT very much like other cells in the body. Most cells in the body know what they are -- brain cells, liver cells, etc. On the other hand, cancer cells are confused and aren't sure of what they are. They are more like the very early cells of a blastocyst, or like very early on in the development of an embryo. They are very undifferentiated. Unfortunately, this lack of individuality means that they are out looking for an identity, and they don't know when they should stop growing -- so they just keep multiplying.

The surgery went well for Jackie. However, a mastectomy is fairly major surgery, and I was unprepared for the extent of her pain, and I didn't realize how out of it she would be due to the effect of the anesthetic. Also, there were drain tubes hanging out of her side, which seemed quite strange. I don't remember exactly when I saw the results of the operation. In the effort to save Jackie's life, she willingly underwent a disfiguring mutilation of her body. Don't fool yourself -- that's what it is, BUT it is necessary and IT IS THE STATE OF THE ART. Do it. Don't worry about it. It's amazing how unimportant physical perfections and imperfections become when faced with the potential loss of someone you love. Jackie was hooked up to a morphine pump. Be prepared to use things that sound scary. Morphine -- sounds like you'll get addicted and become dependent for the rest of your life but not if it's used for just a few days. There is no reason these days to be in pain. DON'T BE. Use what's available. Studies have shown that people in pain heal less quickly than those who aren't. Two days later Jackie was able to come home. Don't forget -- GET some pain medication and use it if it hurts. I had a hard time with Jackie. She never did like taking medication, and with cancer that's an attitude you need to lose. Now she just needed to rest up, heal and get ready for radiation.